The Five Stages of Grief
by crazymiko
Summary: A look at the five stages of grief from Youji's POV. Deathfic.


**Title: **Denial

**Author: **Crazy Miko

**Chapter: **1/5

**Warnings:** Yaoi, Death fic

**Pairings:** YoujixAya

**Summary:** Accepting reality is sometimes the hardest task one can handle.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Weiss Kreuz; it belongs to Koyasu Takehito among others.

**Notes: //…// Flashback**

Denial

I once thought I might have met you in another life. I know better now, I already knew you so well because it was like looking in a mirror. We're not so different you and I. We tried to pretend we were different, that the only thing we had in common was a job. Would we be where we are now if we really were that different? We have more than just our job in common; both of us kill for the one we love. Both of us know what it's like to see the one or in your cases ones you love die. Aya-chan's not dead yet but she might as well be with all the tainted shit you carry on about. It's not like you ever speak to the girl or anything. Neither of us can ever let go, another similarity. I don't know where I'm going with this; maybe I'm just trying to convince myself that this wasn't all a mistake.

It's not like I don't care for you, I haven't cared this much since Asuka. This is just different; at times I'm not sure how to take it. I feel like I should know everything about you but when I think about it I can only come up with your habits and bits of your likes and dislikes. The few times I catch you sleeping it looks like there's another person in my bed, one that's innocent and untainted by our life. I suppose you hide this person from yourself too. When I see him lying there I realize there's so much I just don't understand about you. I'm always been the person with secrets in a relationship, now the roles are switched. You disrupt everything you know? Team dynamics, my life, the schedule, I mean everything.  

It's strange to see you lying there like that, still and pale. You have a serious look on your face even now. You never could lightened up, it wouldn't kill you if you did you know. It would have made it easier for us to live with you those few years. But, it wouldn't have been you then. Only you could keep a stern face this close to death, it would be strange if you had that little half smile of yours frozen on your face for eternity I guess. I wish you could smile at me again like you did when I found you. You smiled at Omi and Ken too when they came, I'm kind of jealous. I can't really begrudge them that last smile of yours though since you gave me more in private than you've ever given both of them combined. Aya, wake up. This has to be a joke, you're just playing a joke on me right? You have to be, you were supposed to be the one that survived.

I suppose you could continue to pretend a little longer, you can't interrupt me without giving yourself away now. How do you like that? You'll have to get up eventually, right? You can't really be dead. When you wake up I'm going to get back at you somehow. This is a really mean thing to do to me. I meant to tell you earlier that I got us reservations at your favorite restaurant tonight to celebrate the completion of this mission. I can't believe you're going to stand me up like this. It's really pitiful to be ditched by your live-in boyfriend. I had to pull so many strings for those reservations too, this is such a…you thing to do. I don't know how many of my plans you've wrecked when you changed your mind in the middle of a date. How did I ever end up with someone like you? You're so different than any of the people I imagined I'd settle down with when I got tired of being a playboy. Well, not that I really ever planned to settle down after Asuka but I thought about it before I met her.

You inconvenience everyone you know? What am I supposed to do now? Omi won't stop crying and blaming himself and Ken is off brooding somewhere. You're taking this too far Aya; you could have at least stirred when we washed all the blood off you. It would have freaked Omi out a little less if you moved. You have to be playing, you too stubborn to just die. Your skin is really cold, I've piled all the blankets we have on top of you but you're still cold. This is some new trick right? Maybe something that our lovely organization has cooked up in case one of us had to feign death? Whatever it is, stop it. You're starting to scare me now; I don't want to start believing that you're dead. Then I wouldn't live it down if this really was some elaborate joke. I'm sorry that I made all your stuff smell like smoke and I nagged you so much about being more cheerful. I promise I won't smoke in our room anymore if that's what's bothering you. Come on Aya, stop it.

Damn it Aya, you're a well trained assassin who took down the prime minister and survived against Schwarz, your former sword master, along with anyone else who got in your way. Some stupid guard couldn't take you down, no one can. I don't think I could kill you if I really wanted to if you were armed and in the middle of a mission. It was just a bullet wound, just like all the other ones you've had. It was just luck that it nicked an artery like that, but it just nicked it. You've survived worse; there wasn't any reason that this should have been anything new or special. Your clothes were completely ruined; I hope you weren't too attached to them since Omi's burning them right now. Don't be mad at me when you finally get tired of this, you know mission procedure.

Aya, please, don't do this. I'm having trouble believing this is a joke anymore, you're not breathing. I've already lost Asuka; I'm not losing you too. Maki died also, I almost forgot about her. Why did you all protect me? I would trade places with you without a second thought. Maybe this is one of those nightmares, yeah, a nightmare. I'll wake up from this soon enough and you'll be right beside me in bed. You'll be grouchy when I try to make sure you're really there but you'll endure it silently. That has to be the case, right Aya? You're too stubborn to go out like this; you haven't visited your sister yet. You could never leave without at least telling her goodbye, right?

Omi's eyes are still red you know? I guess he finally ran out of tears, he's going to have a headache from all that. He hasn't seen Ken since we found you; I'm starting to worry about him. I know you two were never that close, but he really cares about you and considers you a close friend. He killed that guard while I was gathering you up and trying to staunch the bleeding; you'd passed out so you didn't get to see it. Ken was so angry; he went off to the other side of the building, probably to find more guards. You know he's still wound pretty tight from the mission we had when we faked our deaths, this is a really cruel thing to do to him. You're making it too easy to believe you're actually dead. Move, yell, do something Aya! Get up and go track down Ken and knock some sense into him before he does something he'll regret.

Actually, if you don't wake up soon I might do something I'll regret. My dad used to say that the third time's a charm, well, this is the third try and look what's happened. Three's my limit, I'm not sure I could handle going for four. I don't think I'd kill myself, that sounds a little too much like those cheesy romance novels for my tastes. I'd probably meet up with you soon anyway; assassins don't have a long life expectancy. It would be hard though, I can't just forget what it was like to have you around for the past few years. It wouldn't be the same "Weiss" anymore without you. I'm tired of losing lovers; you'd definitely be my last. I'd also get tired of this life soon if you weren't there and we both know where that would lead. Come on Aya, don't be a jerk. All of us are going to miss you if you die.

Do you remember that time when Omi got shot and we all thought he was going to die? That was horrible; I thought Ken was going to fall apart in the emergency room. Don't do that to us Aya, you know how it feels. What if I up and died on you, how would you react to that? Would you cry? I'm crying now Aya, this isn't funny anymore. It wasn't funny in the first place. Do you really think I could go up to Aya-chan and tell her that you died and hand over the key to your deposit box? Omi would have to do it; I wouldn't be able to face her with that kind of news. I have a stake in this too you know. I love you, you idiot. Don't be selfish. You're never selfish though, you'd give up anything for your family. I suppose you are allowed to be selfish once in a while, but do it in a different way. 

Ken just came back; he looked in to check on you. His eyes were all sympathy and pity, Aya. People don't give you that kind of look unless someone close to you has just died or something. Don't tell me Ken has a reason, you can't be dead. That would mean you wouldn't be around anymore and nothing can get rid of you. You're still so cold, your forehead felt like ice when I was brushing your bangs back. You can't be cold; it's so hot in here already. Aya, only dead people feel like that and you can't be dead. Is this my fault? I should have met up with you sooner instead of milling around the target's quarters looking for strays. I already knew there were none; I just wanted to check again. You could have contacted me; you knew that getting shot there could be fatal. You knew it, Kritiker made us all take that course on anatomy. Aya, I'm beginning to think you really are dead. No one can lay this still, not even you.

 You could just be unconscious though, you lost a lot of blood back there. It stopped flowing so that has to be a good sign, even though I haven't seen your chest move for the past hour. Omi's not going to let you set foot in the shop for at least a week after this. He'll probably mother hen you too, might as well get used to the nagging. I can hear him now "Aya-kun, please, just one more bite" or "Aya-kun, we can handle the shop go back to bed." You never did respond well to Omi's brand of nursing, not that that's a surprise. Speaking of him I wonder where he is, I'd expect him to be hovering over you right about now. Not that it matters, I'm watching you so Omi doesn't need to be here. No one needs to be here, you don't need to be here.

What do you want me to do Aya? What can I do? The longer this drags on the louder the voice of reason gets. I don't want to believe you're gone Aya, even if in my mind I know you are. I guess I can take these blankets off of you now, and fix your hair since I messed it up again. I wonder if Omi's going to burn the sheets. Do you think he would? I'm not sure if I'd want him to Aya, if they were the last thing you laid on before dying. I would keep the room exactly like it is now, down to the last dirty sock on the floor. Did you know the office I used to share with Asuka looks the same as it did the day before she died? The only thing that's changed is the size of the dust layer. I can't bear to clean it though, what if I knocked something over and ruined it?

I couldn't do that here, never here. For one Omi wouldn't let me, and I don't think I could leave our room behind. The office holds memories but none of them are like the ones I have of here. I never got the chance to make those types of memories with Asuka, but I don't really regret it. If I had the chance I would have never met you. I loved Asuka just as much as I love you and if I had to choose again I'd do the exact same thing except I would have made my move sooner. At least this time I'll be able to sleep in the same bed and wake up to the same walls that live in my memories. The only thing that will be missing is you. That's cruel Aya, that's just cruel. How would you feel if you were in my place? Would you be thinking the same thing?

What would you be thinking as you carried me bleeding and unconscious to the car? What would you be thinking as you looked at the bullet hole with a grim face while you cleaned the blood away? What would you be thinking as you dressed the wound then laid me in our bed only to have me lie the motionless as you watched? Would you draw the same conclusion? Would you feel the same way I do now? Would you accept it at face value like you do everything else and move on like nothing happened? Or, would you perhaps take the time to sit by my body and mourn? Did you even do that for your parents or were you too caught up in your bloodlust? Would you be asking me the same questions as I laid there silent?

No, you're not me; you'd handle this in your own way though I'm not sure if I could honestly tell you what the way is…or was. What did you do when Botan died? You never told me and I never pressed. At least you'll never have to see another death. That would make you happy, wouldn't it? It doesn't make me happy, now I've been left behind again. Would it be too much to let me pay for my own sins or for me to at least learn from them? I never could take the word written on my arm seriously though they're good advice. I've finally learned my lesson though, you're the last Aya. There will not be a third life on my head because I screwed up again.

It's late Aya, I'm still messing up now. How am I supposed to continue on this time? There's nothing left for me here, at least when Asuka died I still could see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. But that's okay, that just mean that I'll be seeing you sooner than I thought. Wait for me Aya, I promise to be on time for this appointment. Not that I know when I'm supposed to meet with you, but I'm sure you do, you always know those things. I guess Omi will have to take over my schedule again. Good night Aya, I love you.

~~~~~~~~~

Omi sighed sadly as he watched Youji finally pull the sheet over Aya's head. It hurt to lose Aya; he could only imagine how Youji felt. He would have to watch Youji closely for the next few weeks or months, there were still four more stages of grief that he wasn't sure the blonde could survive. Ken would be easier, Omi was sure that he could come to terms with Aya's death without to much assistance. As for himself, he had accepted that assassins die and his teammates would not be exceptions. He only hoped that Youji would not do something stupid. Omi knew that he should have discouraged the relationship and brought it Kritiker's attention, but he couldn't bear to infringe on what little happiness his teammates had found. Now he would pay the price for letting his feelings get in the way of his duty as leader. He quickly typed up a report to his superiors with a note on Youji's reaction. Stage one: Denial – Cleared. Omi's fingers hovered over the keyboard until he heard a crash and a string of curses from Youji and Aya's room. Stage Two: Anger - Commencing.

**~End~**

For the record, I solemnly swear never to write another Aya deathfic because they are annoying and demanding little buggers that result in a short little piece of nothing.


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